On the Slowness Pattern

Anyone who has known me for a long time knows that I seem to have a relatively slow natural pace.

The reason for this is simple. I try very hard to be with people who are better than me. Whether it's math, programming, software architecture, I like being with the best people in the field.

But that's far from being the whole story. As I recently realized, there is insecurity involved.

1. Feeling slow is a part of it. Telling myself I am slow or worse at something is self-sabotage. A part of me is scared of being good.

2. I very much dislike competition and people comparing themselves to each other.

Many people are like that. Evolutionary psychologists say that we are hardwired to do this.
But that's not all of it. Most people only feel negative when they are losing or feel inferior. They like it when they feel superior.

I'd just not play. In fact, I look past the players and shun the game any way I can. Because I see the players and game for what it is - the game is an emergent phenomenon, just like out of quantum physics come the regularities of chemistry, and from chemistry comes organic chemistry, and biology and so on.

Emergent phenomenon has many examples. Groupthink. "The Free Market". Collectivism. Mobs. But the common thing is that its members are altered in ways they do not choose.

I love freedom first and foremost. Nothing else really matters.

And here I face a dilemma. Because speed is associated with efficiency, which in turn means being slow can mean being less free.

So since speed is ultimately the way to go, I have learned to adapt to this.

But adapting is kind of like compromise, in that no party is truly happy about it. And so I had to find a new way to do things.

And find one I did. I would start off slow, totally accepting that I would be a bit slow. And then slowly move up to being good in it, and then finally become fast.

This seems to work well, but it remains an issue.

And I know the ultimate answer to this, but it's not one I feel like accepting. And ironically, it is just this one word - accepting. Accepting reality for what it is and moving on.