How I Solved a 10-year old Insecurity in Less Than 5 Minutes

Dear Reader(s), 

This article may change the way you see me, past, present and future. I hope you get something out of it.

Cheers,

Eugene.

Problem

I have an insecurity.

I have always had a fear of being alone.

- Darkness

- Friends leaving.

- Being picked up late back in school.

- Socializing.

- Friends not texting back.

It's a terrible burden that has sapped energy.

Change

OK, it took 5-7 years to build up to this. But 5 minutes max was all it took to understand and uproot this. Some remnants could still exist, but as of today, none have been discovered or attributed to this.

Trigger

Long story short, I am sitting at the office OTing one night, feeling very productive but kinda lonely. So I talked about Kumon with a friend. He talks about flushing Kumon papers and coming up with all kinds of excuses not to do them (eg. down the toilet, throwing them in the trash). I realized I was always the good student and did all the Kumon, even if it meant overtime. (Overtime at age 7 lol.)

And then out of nowhere, I made a connection. The loneliness of OT was the same as the loneliness experienced by the younger me, all those times when I was picked up late, in detention, etc.

Change

• Realizing the emotionally significant experiences, going as far back as possible: 
• Childhood: Since kindergarten, my caregivers kept being late coming over. I waited for hours. It was bad enough to see everyone else gone home, or out to play and not being able to join. I felt abandoned. On top of this, I had separate issues about social anxiety, which only multiplied its effects. 
• Early Childhood: Left in daycare center. For whatever reason, I can only recall short segments.
• "It's not my fault." (or "It's not your fault"):
• The realization that there is no inherent defect in me, that my issue is caused by certain external factors outside my control. 
• The realization that I am paying for the bad decisions of some people. 
• Because it is caused by external factors in the past, I see my freedom, power to choose.
• HOWEVER, stopping here would create another problem called "Victim Mentality". So...
• Self-reaffirmation
• I have done very well given this. 
• Purpose: Inoculates against self-criticism.
• "I am actually very different.": 
• Links my best work, experiences, happiness. 
• Gather up all my finest moments.
• The things I can have and do without this issue.
• What will I do differently from now on?
• Solving a major hurdle is kinda useless, if I didn't then move forwards.
• What is my new vision? 
• Redefine all relationships as mutually-supportive and never due to loneliness.
• What is the underlying "human nature"? To what extent are humans "social animals"?
• Curiosity, Rational research needed.

Aftermath

Before this, I had an immense issues dealing with loneliness. 

Now, I have less than 10% of the original. I used to wait for people to respond on whatsapp, watch their last seen time/date. It also made it very difficult to actually sit down and do individual work, because I feared being alone. Now I don't care anymore, except for matters of business urgency. 

I used to feel isolated, lonely and homesick. Now, I can feel almost none of it, simply because I expect to feel isolated, lonely and homesick and don't have any of it anymore. It's a strange feeling, like opening my eyes after a good night's sleep. As my mind synchronizes, the remaining anxiety are disappearing.

Considering myself as an introvert, I did well independently, but as I grew up and went through the "socialization phases", the issue began to affect me. I had to be out and always doing something with others. Sometime, it became hard to stay put and focused on hard stuff. This affected my university grades. 

I can only wonder where I would be now, if I didn't have this issue, or had it resolved early on.

I have come home, wherever I am. 

And ahead of time. I'd hate to be going through this during a mid-life crisis in my 40s. For that I'll be ever grateful.

Impact

As far as I can tell, I have met many with similar anxieties (who have no idea). Logically, these issues will persist forever or are patched, until one fixes them. Over the course of a lifetime, they can be a massive drain on happiness, satisfaction and productivity. 

Most people need to be seriously affected to seek help with their bugs. Ironically, this means that people who have milder forms, or are adept at coping with or avoid the bug, may have less incentive to figure it out and tolerate these bugs for longer. 

Why should people fix their bugs completely, no matter what? 

• Murphy's Law. Because bugs always come back to haunt them. At the worst times possible.
• All bugs persist until the day they are fixed, or the host dies. All bugs are lifetime max-security prison sentences. 
• You will live better. Most bugs sap mental energy.
• Able to discover your intrinsic motivation. Issues prevent motivation, cause procrastination. "What do you want?". 
• For other people. So that the world has less assholes, less violence. So that you can bring the best to the world. Many issues cause negative feelings towards others. No, that's an understatement. Why are people supporting violence against others, which is completely morally insane?
• So that the world can change.

Work. Could this prevent one from moving forwards? Do unresolved issues prevent an increase in performance? 

Relationships? What can an attachment disorder do to a relationship? How many relationships have not worked because of insecurities? Could this lead one to stay in a bad relationship? Ever heard of the slang "Clingy Girlfriend"? 

Old age? What happens when one's kids are gone and one is in a nursing home or hospital? Could this be a cause of senior depression?

Denialism is common, possibly due to ignorance,defense mechanisms. "I am no problems!" is the most frequently heard words spoken in group counselling sessions. Such people almost always have the most unresolved issues.

TakeAway

Resolving issues can be incredibly fast with the knowhow.

Self-therapy is easy.

Personal development can be completely free and open-source.

We are a few steps away from resolving issues. The problem is not "HOW?", but "WHY?".

A world with no government, no violence is 100% technically (psychologically, sociologically) feasible.