Happy Birthday to Me!

1.
It's been a while. I'm a bit bored with my routine in HK and want to move elsewhere.

2.
I have found a few things to live for. I haven't found anything worth dying for.

3.
I'd thought that by this age, I'd be fully financially free. Or at least, that was what I thought when I read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" back in high school. Why not? Because I thought it wasn't for me. I get scared. I can only take little steps on the long journey.

4.
I made some dumb decisions and now I'm paying for them. Like getting into degree programs abroad and not going to them, and now having to devote time to making it work again. But I can't blame myself for it because that was how I felt genuinely at the time.

5.
I consider myself a prostitute of sorts. I think the main difference between prostitution and its negation is to what degree you are doing it for the money. I try not to work for money, but when work feels repetitive and the only reason why I finish it is because I feel it is responsible to do so, I feel like I'm getting screwed.

"No matter what a man’s job may be – bookkeeper, doctor, bus driver, or managing director – every moment of his life will be spent as a cog in a huge and pitiless system – a system designed to exploit him to the utmost, to his dying day. It may be interesting to add up figures and make them tally – but surely not year in, year out? How exciting it must be to drive a bus through a busy town! But always the same route, at the same time, in the same town, day after day, year after year? What a magnificent feeling of power to know that countless workers obey one’s command!" - Esther Vilar, "The Manipulated Man".

In what areas of my life have I chosen to sacrifice my authentic and soulful needs for money, physical possessions, popularity, security, comfort or respect?

I took a job.

• Am I currently staying in a personal or working relationship that is clearly toxic to my well-being?

No, I just know I can be more.

• What parts of my identity have I prostituted to others? (Examples: time, intellect, affection, heart, soul, creativity, friendship.)

time, intellect, creativity, heart, soul, what ever that is.

• Have I sold or sacrificed my morals for anything?

not really, though my products do have the potential to be used to invade other's privacy. I don't control that.

• How many times do I lie or tell untruths in order to personally gain something?

none, yet.

• Have I ever caused a person to compromise themselves so that I have power over them?

I won't put myself in such a situation.

• What extent am I willing to go in order to achieve “security” or “safety”?

Any.

6. 

Fat... is one big thing I'm not so happy about. And it has to do with this: http://www.mensjournal.com/health-fitness/exercise/why-do-men-keep-getting-fatter-20150714 

Losing weight is a massive pain in the ass. I exercise more and eat less and I get this hunger feeling to tell me to eat more. The brain sees the new fatter state as the new normal and defends it. And it's not like I didn't know about it since an early age. I just can't believe it's happening to me.

It's something I'm looking for answers about. I know it's mostly two things: physical inactivity during most time on the weekdays and genes. I hope gene therapy isn't the only thing I can do about it.

7.
I have acquired a lot of self knowledge. I know that I go for certainty for the most part. I know what I like, what kind of people I work well with, who to love, who to avoid. I know I have troubling tendencies to sweat the simple stuff, but is a bit like procrastination, just a little more useful, but prevents me from doing better.

8.
I think I know, with respect to the job market, my price. I know what marketable skills I have. However, I have yet to realize my deepest value - the things that take many years to develop but are extremely useful to the world.


That's it. I got stuff to do. Happy Birthday to me!